How To Make Friends As An Adult.
- a person who knows you well, and is regarded with liking, affection, and loyalty.
- a person who knows all about you and loves you (period).
- a person you can go days/weeks/months sometimes even years without seeing and when you finally do it’s not awkward, it’s the best.
Having that friend. It’s a topic that is often split in my women’s coaching practice. There are those who feel they have it, and those who feel they don’t (but would love to).
In this article I will share:
- why we can find ourselves “needing a friend” (instead of having one)
- if this happens to you, what you can do to find that friend(s)
Why Don’t I Have A Friend?
Life. Simply put my friend, you may be finding that you need a friend instead of having one because of life and being human.
You could have…
- grown out of friendships that didn’t serve you
- had kids and time became harder
- worked on your career and time became harder
- worked on your partnership and time became harder
- or maybe your life changed and your friends stopped being friendly
- maybe your friends grew out of you
- maybe you have always struggled with making friends
- maybe going beyond common niceties is hard
- not liked your friends or experiences with friends before so maybe didn’t see worth in trying
- not prioritized them before, or maybe you weren’t the greatest of friend before (but that doesn’t mean you can’t be now)
I don’t want you to waste another minute thinking about why, or feeling down on yourself because there are SO MANY possible whys. But however it happened, it does NOT mean you are incapable of having or being a friend.
And I get it, whether we find ourselves in our twenties, thirties, forties or beyond and needing a friend – it’s hard because there were more opportunities just built into our daily lives as kids (playdates, school, birthdays, sports and extracurricular activities, etc). As an adult, creating those opportunities is now up to us, along with everything else on our plate.
How You Can Find That Friend(s). The Opportunities.
Feeling connected and like we have that person or community where we can show up unapologetically, be ourselves, and not have to have it all together is especially important for us women. We innately nurture and anyone can exhaust themselves when so many people and things rely on you “having it together”. It’s important we feel we can be nurtured and not have to have it together as well – but just show up.
Here are a few things to consider and ways to go about finding a friend (and please know, I understand this can be really really difficult – raw even, especially postpartum or other times we may be feeling especially isolated):
#1 Remind. Remind yourself, there are others who also feel they’re missing a friend/could use someone. You’re not alone. When someone brings this up to me during a coaching session you can see the sense of defeat or shame she’s been wrestling with (why don’t I have friends). But as we just covered, there are so many reasons this can happen – please know, you’re not alone.
#2 Get Friendship Focused – determine your ideal. Our time is precious, find out what your friend needs and ideal is before moving forward. Ask yourself a couple questions and determine if there are any opportunities for you to get more focused and not spread your efforts thin. Here are some questions to get focused:
- Are you investing in a lot of relationships? If yes, how satisfied are you with them?
- Do you often find yourself feeling like no one really knows you? Could this be an opportunity to invest in fewer relationships but go deeper with them? Be more consistent to develop it?
#3 The Re-Connect. Try considering if there are friends that you haven’t reached out to in some time (but maybe you’d like to). Perhaps there is a relationship you could re-establish/reach out to/ and or further develop?
#4 The Significant Other. What about your spouse’s friend’s significant other? Sometimes even within the group you might hang out with (because of your partner or even work) there is someone you don’t really know well, but you think there could be some common ground …reach out, see. This could be as basic as hey, could we get a coffee or lunch. Ask yourself if there’s anyone you’ve met through someone else you’d like to get to know a little better.
#5 Honesty Is A Friend-Making Magnet. Honesty is so refreshing despite it being hard. Tell people you’d really like to meet some friends, keep putting it out there. In the last two years I have even seen this being done in social media groups quite bravely and honestly.
#6 Here’s how I’ve seen it work: a woman creates a post, often anonymously about their struggle to make friends where they are at, and what they like to do, and you know what? They get a HUGE list of people commenting who relate (and help her not feel so alone) and they want to connect, have coffee, a playdate …and from there both can see if it could be a deeper friendship.
#6 Go – Then Ask Out. Look for groups/activities/opportunities where you might meet someone you’d connect with and relate to, and can ask them out. yup, ask.them.out. Tell them your name, start talking, and see if they want to hang out. Think a gym class, book club, volunteer group, PTO, garden club, card club (my mom at 60 created her own card club just to meet friends!), knitting groups, runner’s groups and clubs (really Google anything you like and there is likely a club or group that meets regularly about it).
#7 Feel What It’s Like To Self-Discover Alongside Other Women. Honestly, this has become one of my favorite ways of making new, very deep relationships. Here’s what you do:
1) Determine something you’d love to develop more or try in your own life (business, read more, career, health, relationship, creativity, become more organized, find your flow (ahem!) …anything)
2) Figure out what that thing is and then join a group that helps develop it. That environment is going to be pure magic and nourishment for your soul, and your likely to make some great friends
3) And to make it extra potent, I think there’s something to joining a group that isn’t too big, and isn’t too small – this way you have some options in terms of personalities to connect with and it’s not so big that it makes it hard to actually get to know the women. I feel like anywhere between 10 to 25 people is good and certain factors like location (online, in-person, what kind of place), and length and frequency of the meetings would factor into my decision as to the size of group I’d like.
This route is SO POWERFUL AND HERE’S WHY: By joining a group where you know the other women (yes strangers at first) are also interested in developing in that way and or are also struggling with that thing, you are naturally going to cut to the chase with the help of a good coach/guide, and go deep, and make lasting relationships. I see it all the time in my own coaching program, and within groups I belong to myself personally and professionally.
It feels so good to be among other women who get it when it comes to that thing.
Whether making friends comes easy to you or not, do all women a favor and support other women, be a welcoming, connecting force. It’s good energy, needed, and someone who needs a friend.
Do you want to self-discover alongside other women and make powerful connections? If you’re interested in more flow & integration for your life – mind, body, nutrition and much more, check out my newest self-paced program Wellspring Within Her – it offers the best blend of support (online learning, 1:1 coaching, and a concentrated community – it’s a powerhouse!). I also offer this program on a 1:1 basis.
I believe in you Friend.
Are you new here? Welcome!
I’m Dina Haggenjos, a holistic life and integrative nutrition & health coach for women, doula, Founder of Free WELL, mom of twin girls and one boy, and wife to Dr. Pete.
- I am an inner power enthusiast. More intuition, less restriction in life is my jam.
- I offer individual and group coaching – both virtually (be anywhere) and in-person for the local Cincinnati women.
- Coaching with me is a great way to address your whole self, mind, body, nutrition, and lifestyle. A well runs dry when parts of it are neglected, I don’t want that for you.
- I have never been a fan of the “know better, do better” approach because there is so much more that goes into doing and lasting transformation than just knowing.
- If you have a question about working together, I offer a free consultation or write to me with your inquiry.
- My email letters (I like to call them use-letters) go out to the FW community when I feel I have something of use for you. If interested, subscribe here.
- Connect with me on Instagram, LinkedIn. My intention with being in these spaces is to build community, share what Free WELL is up to, and be perfectly imperfect human beings together.
My husband and I also own Thrive Chiropractic in Cincinnati, it’s been serving all ages for over 15 years. While we both have a passion for helping others, wellness and health, we come at it from very different perspectives (and I think that makes it even better!)