How We Forget We Are Multifaceted & What We Can Do About It

The moment that baby is born there’s a silent shift in the energy and attention of both the caregivers and the parents themselves.  Suddenly this little one is here, and while days before we worried over what craving the mama had and if she was sleeping well, now suddenly it’s about latching, baby’s skin color, and the success of hitting the cascade of expected health markers and baby milestones.

And so our life as the mama, our being in this world, quickly becomes consumed with all things for baby, for the love, health and development of those we carried for nine or so months.  Postpartum is so health and milestones of baby focused, but what about the mama?  And it’s not just postpartum where we feel this shift from ourselves to all others.

Here’s the thing ladies, we are bombarded with messages, thoughts, solicited and unsolicited advice that constantly pulls us away from the truth that we are dynamic, multifaceted, human beings.  

In this article I will share:

• Some reasons why we forget about ourselves and how it leaves us feeling
• What we can do about it

Why We Lose Ourselves & How It Makes Us Feel

As a mom of three myself and a life and wellness coach for women who also facilitates a group postpartum coaching program, the Mama WELL Village, I’ve witnessed the many ways in which a mom with the best intentions, sweeps herself to the side.

That first sweep seems innocent enough at first.  Of course we want to have a healthy and thriving baby but over time the distance between our attention and ourselves gets further and further away.

I hear things like:

• “I just want to feel like myself again.”
• “I don’t know how to add anything else to my plate, I’m stressed enough.”
• “I don’t know what I want.”

 

That first sweep seems innocent enough at first.  Of course we want to have a healthy and thriving baby but over time the distance between our attention and ourselves gets further and further away.

 

I also see that the questions the moms ask, the information they seek out is all about the baby.  

• “Does my baby seem healthy? Is the baby nourished, gaining weight? How does the baby seem physically?”
• “Does the baby seem happy?”
• “What if my baby cries, what’s wrong?  How can I get to know my baby’s different cries?  How can I soothe them and what they need?”
• “How can I get my baby to sleep better?”
• “Am I surrounding my baby with enough play and stimulation?  Is my baby being exposed to enough?”

We love deeply, but ladies, let us not forget that we are more than our motherhood.  A well runs dry when parts of it are neglected.  We are a well with a lifeforce that either flows with energy, or is near running dry – how we attend to that well, and all the many parts of it, determines the energy within us.  

I know it can seem impossible at times to imagine feeling like your whole, dynamic, multifaceted self (and not just fragments), but it IS possible and I aim to help you see and more importantly FEEL it in your bones.

 

We love deeply, but ladies, let us not forget that we are more than our motherhood.

 

How to Ground & Honor (Again & Again) Your Multifaceted Self

Now just imagine for a moment if we asked the kind questions that we do for babies, for ourselves. Just imagine …

• “Do I seem and feel healthy? How can I nourish my whole body?  How am I feeling physically?”
• “Do I seem happy?”
• “What if I cry?  What’s wrong, what am I feeling?  How can I get to know and listen to my body more?  What can I do to soothe myself and get me what I need?”
• “How can I sleep better?  What steps can I take to help me sleep better?”
• “Am I surrounding myself with play, stimulation, creativity that honors my whole self?  Am I exposing myself to enough that nourishes the many sides of me?”

The one that really gets me is the “what if I cry”.  It is that question that gets at the heart of the issue – we forget to listen to our cries for help.  We suppress them, we plow through the chores and to-dos, pushing down the fatigue, pushing down the exhaustion, pushing down the tears, instead of noticing, honoring, and growing from it (which we would do for our children).

That’s what it comes down to, we have to flex the muscle of noticing, honoring, and growing our multifaceted selves.  So what can we do, how can we get back to remembering, choosing to be our multifaceted selves again? 

The truth?  There are a lot of ways, don’t ever let someone tell you “there’s one right way”.  But for this post, I’ll cover the basics of two of the practices I help women integrate into their lives.  We dive a lot deeper into these and other strategies/tools they can rely on within coaching but these are good starts that carry a big impact punch!

#1 – Practice with compassion, notice, honor, and grow.

We will forget, we will get swept up with life again and again, but we have to be willing to look at ourselves with compassion just as we would our loved ones when they slip up.  I tell my clients, don’t beat yourself up that it happened again but rather focus on the notice, honor, grow.  

• Notice what’s happening, what you’re feeling, what’s going on.  
• Honor it, which can look like asking questions and getting curious, seeing and acknowledging it, telling someone or writing about it (this works wonders for my anxiety).  Just think of those questions we seek to understand about our children and all those we love deeply, and turn those questions towards yourself.
• Then grow from there, take the step forward, redirect energy, let it go and be done with it (growing doesn’t have to mean some huge leap), get back to your morning routine, take the ten minutes to yourself, read the book, get the coaching, just use what happened to learn.  There’s no failure, if you learn.

#2 – Remind yourself often of your whole self.

I’m a big fan of consistently reminding of the energy we want to call forth in our lives on a daily basis.  This doesn’t have to mean carving out 30 minutes to sit and repeat mantras (few of us have the time this season of life).  It can be as little as 30 seconds a day – seriously, one of the first tools I walk women through in the Mother WELL Village gets them to a point where they have a 30-60 second personalized visualization that they can do on repeat daily. 

• To remind yourself often, find a message, a quote, a mediation, or a visualization that reminds you of your whole self and visit it daily.  Have it saved on your phone for easy access.  Leave it in a prominent place you’ll see daily getting ready, think a closet or bathroom mirror.
• Need a little help?  Here’s one that I’ve offered up that helps me, and you can make it your own:

*****

I am more than the health and milestones of my children

I love deeply and I am more than motherhood.

I am more than a number.

I am more than my productivity.

I am more than what I eat.

I am more than what I think.

I am more than my anxiety.

I am more than how I look.

I am more than my stress.

I am more than my ambition.

I am more than my to-do list.

I am more than how well I feel liked.

I am more than my anger.

I am more than my fear.

I am more than my loneliness.

I am more than my kids’ behavior.

I am more than how many memories I make.

********

I believe in you Friend.

Do you want to strengthen and honor your multifaceted self while learning alongside other women, making powerful connections?  Check out the Mother WELL group coaching program which lasts 8-12 weeks, with a few sessions offered each year.  You can register or get on the “first to know” list for upcoming sessions here.  I also offer 1:1 and other group coaching options you can inquire about by emailing dina@myfreewell.com or checking out ways to work with me.

Are you new here?  Welcome!  Here’s a bit about me:

I’m Dina Haggenjos, a human being trying to be, just as much as I’m humaning.  I’m also a holistic life and integrative nutrition & health coach for women, postpartum doula, Founder of Free WELL, mom of twin girls and one boy, and wife to Dr. Pete.

• I am an inner power enthusiast.  More intuition, less restriction in life is my jam.
• I offer individual and group coaching – both virtually (be anywhere) and in-person for the local Cincinnati women.
• My email letters (I like to call them use-letters) go out to the FW community when I feel I have something of use for you.  If interested, subscribe here.
• Connect with me on Instagram, LinkedIn.  My intention with being in these spaces is to build community, share what Free WELL is up to, and be perfectly imperfect human beings together.
• My husband and I also own Thrive Chiropractic in Cincinnati, it’s been serving all ages for over 15 years.  While we both have a passion for helping others, wellness and health, we come at it from very different perspectives (and I think that makes it even better!)